AFI 100: Saluting Our Fattest Actors -- Audience of Two

We here at the American Film Institute love to count things. For example, did you know that there are 28 people named John Lee in Huntsville, Alabama?

Neither did we, because we just made it up, you dummy. (Right now, we're counting one stupid moron reading this, and here's a hint: it ain't us.) Our specialty, if you must know, is counting up to 100, because that's an awesome number and it rhymes with "fun blundered." We bet you never thought of that, did you, shit-for-brains?

This year, we thought it was high time we recognized the real Hollywood Heavyweights, the True Titans of Tinseltown, the Bona Fide Behemoths of the Big Screen. It proved to be a gargantuan task to narrow the list down to just 100. It seems the stars of stoutness were literally bursting at the seams!

You may notice that this list is different from our usual numerical rankings. (That is, you might notice it if you weren't last in your class at Dumbass U., you fucking idiot.) This is because there is literally no scale big enough to measure the worth of men and women of such great stature. Instead we have elected to arrange these 100 honorees into various categories based on their talents and accomplishments. Nonetheless, we have created a special category for the top ten giants of the field, appearing at the end of this article.

Without further ado, then, in America--the land of the free and the home of the brave, the broadest nation on earth, the burgeoning middle of the North American continent, birthplace of the Twinkie--we are proud to present AFI 100: Saluting Our Fattest Actors.

Fat Sitcom Stars: Since the advent of television, fat actors have contributed to the art of situation comedy perhaps more than any other group. From The Honeymooners to Seinfeld and beyond, classic sitcoms have been shaped by their fat stars. Here are a whopping 19 who are truly worth their weight in gold:

Fat Sitcom Stars

John Goodman	George Wendt	Wayne Knight	Drew Carey	Jason Alexander

Roseanne Barr	Homer Simpson	Jackie Gleason	Fat Albert	Kathy Kinney

Ricky Gervais	Jeff Garlin	Andy Richter	Kevin James	Rob Reiner

David Anthony Higgins	Gary Coleman	Ethan Suplee	Danny DeVito

Fat Sopranos Actors
James Gandolfini
Steve R. Schirripa
Vincent Pastore
Joseph R. Gannascoli
Aida Turturro
Steven Van Zandt

Fat Sopranos Actors: Perhaps more than any single series in television history, HBO's The Sopranos has relied on fat actors to carry the weight of its heavy mob drama.


Fat Sidekicks
	Oliver Hardy
	Lou Costello

Fat Sidekicks: It was the yin and yang partnership that made many an old-time comedy duo so successful. There's a good reason why you never heard about Stan Laurel or Bud Abbott solo projects: they just weren't funny without their fat sidekicks.

Fat Stars	of Mel Brooks Productions
	Zero Mostel
Dom DeLuise
	Nathan Lane

Fat Stars of Mel Brooks Productions: On stage and screen, what would a Mel Brooks production be without the funny fat man at the heart? A bunch of skinny people straining for laughs, that's what.

Died from Being Fat: In the midst of this celebration of fat talent, it is important to remember those who gave their lives for the cause. Without their sacrifices, fat actors everywhere would be a much lighter bunch today.

	Died from Being Fat
John Belushi (1949-1982)
John Candy (1950-1994)
Chris Farley (1964-1997)
Rush Limbaugh (1951-2012)

Fat Names

Fats Waller	Fats Domino	Chow Yun-Fat

Fat Names: Fat to their core, these performers embody Fat-ness
even in the opening credits, before they appear in person on screen.

Fat Prosthetics
	Fat Bastard
	Professor Klump
Jiminy Glick
Shallow Hal's Girlfriend

Fat Weat	hermen
Al Roker
	Willard Scott

Fat Weathermen: These meteorological pioneers approached their work with relish, reporting on the heavy weather with a depth their skinnier colleagues could never match.

Fat Prosthetics: Though the debate still rages over prosthetic obesity (what opponents call the "fat suit"), we could not pass over these four performers whose work has left a deep footprint for future generations.

Fat Daytime Talk Show Hosts

Rosie O'Donnell	Star Jones	Ricki Lake	Oprah Winfrey

Fat Daytime Talk Show Hosts: These four women truly loom XX-large
over their competitors in the daytime talk show circuit.

Fat Directors Who Appear in Their Own Films
Alfred Hitchcock	Kevin Smith	Michael Moore	Al Gore

Fat Directors Who Appear in Their Own Films: In the noble tradition of appearing in one's own films, fat directors make up a much larger percentage than you would expect from sheer demographics. These four directors cover a wide swath of the industry with their many varied films.

Fat Gravitas: When it comes to portraying heavy emotions on film or TV, no one does it like the fat actors. These ten fill the screen with their commanding presence every time they appear on camera.

Fat Gravitas

Burl Ives	Dennis Franz	Sydney Greenstreet	Raymond Burr	Charles Laughton

Divine	Forest Whitaker	Broderick Crawford	Brian Dennehy	George Dzundza

Fat Hilaritas: On the other side of the coin, fat actors are unparalleled for jollity and mirth. Though not an actor in the traditional sense, Santa Claus is known throughout the world for both his booming laughter and his belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly. Light actors have never filled audiences with levity like these ten clown princes.

Fat Hilaritas

Jack Black	W.C. Fields	Kenan Thompson	Jon Lovitz	Dan Aykroyd

Artie Lange	Tom Arnold	Rodney Dangerfield	Randy Quaid	Louie Anderson

Friendly Fat
	Ernest Borgnine
Kathy Bates
	Charles Durning
Ned Beatty
	Camryn Manheim
James Doohan
	Philip Seymour Hoffman

Friendly Fat: These actors, great in every sense of the word, have used their girth lightly, spreading good cheer and friendly feelings whenever they came on screen.

Forgotten Fat: Famous in their time, these actors no longer weigh as heavy on the public consciousness as they used to. Fortunately, their work lives on through videos and DVDs. With a little help from this AFI recognition, we hope that their mighty reputations will rise once again.

Forgotten Fat
	Charles Coburn	James Coco	William Bendix

Edward Arnold	William Conrad	Sebastian Cabot	Victor Buono

Robert Morley	Monty Woolley	Andy Devine	William Frawley
Don Wilson-->		Wallace Beery-->

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...
THE TOP TEN

10. Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle
A pioneer in both silent comedy and fat acting, Roscoe Arbuckle casts a large shadow over subsequent film history. Until a baseless scandal ended his career, Fatty was one of the most popular and funniest actors of his era.

9. Kirstie Alley
Kirstie Alley took some time to earn the title of "Fat Actress" (the title of her most recent TV show), but once she took the plunge she really committed to the project. She continues to work in the entertainment industry nearly five nights a week as the butt of jokes for late night TV monologues.

8. The Marx Brothers (collective weight)
Taken individually, the Marx Brothers wouldn't add up to much, comedically or obesically. But when you put them all together, magic happened. Over the years, the Brothers thinned out with the loss of first Gummo and then Zeppo, but Groucho, Chico, and Harpo stayed on as the core heavies to create some of the most anarchic comedies ever made.

7. James Earl Jones
With a booming voice recognized around the world, James Earl Jones created the unforgettable menace of Darth Vader. Through a long and distinguished career, Mr. Jones has filled screens large and small with many memorable characters. More importantly, he has filled some of our nation's widest pants with his admirable girth. For both accomplishments, we salute him.

6. Peter Griffin
In recent years, Peter Griffin (of Fox-TV's Family Guy) has overtaken Homer Simpson as the fattest, dumbest animated father to appear on a weekly program. He attributes his success as a fat actor to a steady diet of cliches, obscure pop culture references, and witless non sequiturs.

5. Jabba the Hutt
Though best known for playing an evil, slimy, disgusting crime lord in the original Star Wars trilogy, Jabba came from a long line of distinguished fat actors. The Hutts originally made their name portraying stationary houses (or "huts," hence the eventual family surname) in the background of summer stage productions in Chappaqua, NY. Jabba the Hutt is notable for his courage in taking on roles that other fat actors have considered unflattering.

4. Marlon Brando
In his youth, many said Marlon Brando had the talent of at least two actors rolled into one. Later on, they said he had the weight of at least two actors rolled into one. Brando literally expanded the boundaries of film acting. All subsequent actors, fat and non-fat (or "skim"), have been heavily influenced by his magnetic presence on the screen.

3. Keiko the killer whale
Keiko, the world's best killer whale actor, had his breakthrough role in the film Free Willy, where he played the title character to much acclaim. Tragically, he did not live long enough to achieve his full potential as an actor through roles like Moby Dick, Monstro in Pinocchio, or Jonah's whale; he died of pneumonia on December 12, 2003.

2 and 1. Orson Welles
The only thing wider than Orson Welles at his peak would probably be a list of his many accomplishments. Among these are co-writing, directing, and starring in what is arguably the finest film ever made, Citizen Kane. Perhaps not as well known in film history, Mr. Welles instigated the development of the widescreen process so that for the first time ever his whole body could appear on screen at the same time. It is often said of commanding actors that they "chewed up the scenery." We believe that Mr. Welles is the only actor for whom this was literally true--it is possible to see his teeth marks on the backdrops in several films including The Third Man, Macbeth, and Chimes of Midnight. For these and many, many other reasons, it is clear that no one slot on our list could hold him, so we have given Orson Welles both the number 1 and 2 slots.

Long live the Fattest Actor of All-Time!