Assume x is any whole number… (1, 2, 3 … infinity)



Gathered audience,

I’m afraid that the twenty-eight of you who showed up today are destined to become part of history.  In case you didn’t understand the math portion, I’d just like to fill you in on its significance.

Ladies & gentlemen, I have deduced, through sound mathematical reasoning, that the largest number in the entire world is 28.

I’ll let this settle in for a second.

As counterintuitive as this might seem at first, let me remind you that this really does jive with reality if you think about it.  Numbers are not real things, but only exist inasmuch as people can visualize what it is these numbers represent.  And while people can easily picture one, two, or maybe seven Doritos, this mathematical theorem proves that this simplicity breaks down beyond 28.

That’s how shysters screw you out of your money.  If you have more than $28 you probably just put it in a bank account and let computers do math stuff with it.  Well, they’re doing fake math with bogus numbers, and some other jerk is getting rich.  It’s all a pile of higglety-poo.

I’m sure I don’t need to inform you that this will radically change not only the way we view the world, but the very world itself.  Tell your kids the good news that the school day is only 28 minutes long.  Tell your aged grandmother that she’s only 28 years old.  Tell the judge you were only going 28 miles per hour.  If he doesn’t buy this line of reasoning, take heart in the fact that a life sentence is only 28 years long.

Happily unaffected is the old adage… “What did fifteen eat?  Whatever twenty-ate.”  But seriously.

The recent zombie flick “28 Days Later” has suddenly become a film of epic proportions.  The recent Sandra Bullock film “Hope Floats” is still crap.  At least it’s over after 28 minutes.

This means good news for the Kansas City Royals, as 28 will be a sellout crowd.  Unfortunately for the L.A. Clippers, they’re still a few notches below this mark.  The good news: if they manage to reach the 28-point mark, they’ve tied!

I can see how you might be tempted to run out and buy a 28-foot yacht for $28.  Not so fast, Sparky.  Remember that you only make $28 a year.

Wanna know what the hell happens to February in leap year?  Then buy my damn book.

And, good news for me, it looks like only 28% of you think I’m full of shit.

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